I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
