The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
