remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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