You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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