My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
im holly from the hills drunk
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
