I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
