How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
