This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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