I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
