I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
