guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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