i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
