Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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