My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
