I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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