I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
