How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
