she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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