Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
How naked do you want me to be?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
