im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Houston, we have a squirter
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Randomize
