You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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