a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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