just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just googled if crying burns calories
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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