she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
