my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My legs feel like baby dolphins
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
