Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
