is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
