I just cut my nipple shaving
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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