I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
