Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
