I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
