He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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