remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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