well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
you traded sex for a burrito?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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