My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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