I accidentally burped into my bong.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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