yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
