Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
