I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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