I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just gift wrapped bread.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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