Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
