I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
