Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
