mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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