I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
