i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
