sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
