sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
