Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
