so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
