she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He's a Shit stain on my heart
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
